


Particles

by cosmic_coincidence



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Abandonment, Angst, Established Relationship, F/F, Minor Violence, sci-fi shenanigans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:53:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24544171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmic_coincidence/pseuds/cosmic_coincidence
Summary: The Doctor and Yaz discover a species called the Jade, which drugs enemies into hallucinating and eventually ending their own lives. When the two newly-lovers are separated and the Doctor falls victim to the hallucinations, Yaz cannot stop the Doctor from leaving her behind.(Title and chapter headings from 'Particles' by Nothing But Thieves)
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	1. Doctor please, this don't feel right

The Jade Galaxy, formerly the Fifth Glorious Allied Galaxy, was a very quiet place. No travellers ever visited this region of space, not since the Jade Uprising of 3535 (Space Time). For a thousand years, the sadistic whims of the Jades went unnoticed and intentionally ignored by the government of the Glorious Allied Galaxy. That is, until a small blue box penetrated their air space.

In the TARDIS, the blue box in question, the Doctor was tinkering away at the console. For the past few months, ever since she and her girlfriend (oh, how the Doctor loved that word!) Yaz had started dating, their lives had been one big holiday. Rarely visiting home, the love-struck pair travelled to all the most romantic and sickly-sweet hotspots time and space had to offer, stopping only to admire the views and one another’s beauty. But now, as Yaz was about to discover, this honeymoon period was all about to end.  
“Doctor!” Yaz beamed, as she ran into the main console room. “What do you think?”

The Doctor responded in an affirmative grunt.

“Y’didn’t even look, babe. C’mon, what do y’think of my outfit?” Yaz twirled around, showing off her getup – a long dark dress and matching heels. Her hair was flowing down over her shoulders, and her eyes shone brightly through her mascara. Yaz thought she looked flooring, if she didn’t say so herself.  
Still, the Doctor did not look. Her eyes were fixed solely to the console screen, rapidly flicking over images and text that flashed up before her. She muttered away in her trance, her fingers typing on the connected keyboard. 

Yaz’s shoulders deflated; she knew this trance all too well. “What is it?” she sighed, and moved closer behind the Doctor’s shoulder to see the screen. She couldn’t understand the Gallifreyan symbols the Doctor was reading, but she winced at the images.  
Bodies. Alien bodies, all strewn on metal floors. Dead.  
“Oh my God…”

Suddenly the Doctor looked round and her eyes met Yaz, surprise on her face. “When did you get here Yaz? What are you wearing?” Yaz frowned grimly. “No no, Yaz, I love it. You look… flooring.”

“Doctor, what are those bodies?” 

“Ah. I’ve hacked into the security mainframe of the planet we’re passing. It’s CCTV footage from these cells, uh, and all the prisoners are dead.”

“Yeah, I can see that. What’s happened then?”

The Doctor turned her body towards Yaz, and leaned against the console. She didn’t look at her girlfriend, her eyes a million miles away, but she explained, “The Galaxy we’re in is called the Jade Galaxy, named after the Jades, the species who rule it. They’re proper intelligent, and were one of the most promising scientific species of the former Glorious Allied Galaxies. Problem is, they were greedy and wanted to rule the whole cosmos. In 3535 they rose against the government and kicked them out of this galaxy, and the leaders found themselves one glorious galaxy down and without their best scientists. It’d been rumoured that for the past thousand years, the buggers have been killing any other species in the Jade Galaxy, as well as anyone travelling through it.”

“Travelling through it… Like us?” Yaz realised that this was not going to be a dress-and-heels date night like she’d hoped. 

The Doctor grimaced awkwardly and finished her train of thought. “The Jades aren’t just clever and sadistic, though, they’re cowardly. In the Jade Uprising, they didn’t even leave their home planet, they just massacred millions of innocent citizens using interplanetary gas missiles.” Her eyes blazed with righteous fury. “I dunno who was worse, the killers or the government who abandoned its people without a moment’s hesitation. Each planet they conquer is turned into a killing camp, where their cowardly murder thrives.”

Yaz swallowed, looking at the images on the screen again. “So that planet down there is one of the killing camps?”

The Doctor turned back to the screen, and pointed at the image of the small purple-orange planet. “That is Planet Jade, the original source of uprising and death. I’m going to go down there and stop them, and hopefully once HQ has collapsed, the rest of the Jade Galaxy will too. As much as I disapprove of the actions of the Glorious Allied Galaxies government, with any luck, they’ll reconquer this galaxy and rebuild it.”

“Right, I’ll go change into something comfortable,” Yaz said, turning on her heels and heading back to her room.

“Yaz, do I need to say it?”

She turned back and waltzed up to the Doctor. “No y’don’t. I don’t care how dangerous it is, I’m coming with you.”

“Yaz…”

“Hang on a minute, that’s not right. Look at the bodies…” Yaz moved closer to the screen and squinted at the CCTV footage. Each of the aliens were lying dead, as on first glance, but the deaths were all different. One had a gun in its clawed fist, another had a stab wound in its chest. The last, a humanoid creature, was hanging from the cell ceiling. “They’ve killed themselves.”

“Ten points to PC Khan,” the Doctor muttered grimly. “It’s another example of the Jade’s cruel cowardice. They bung ‘em in a cell and gas ‘em, triggering vivid visions and hallucinations that eventually encourage ‘em to commit suicide. Clever murder that isn’t on the Jade’s hands. Well, by their logic.”

“It's sick,” Yaz breathed. She shook her head resolutely. “We’ve got to stop them, Doctor.”

The Doctor hesitated for only a flash, thinking of a way to convince her to stay safe in the TARDIS. She looked at Yaz as if she were made of glass, but she knew that Yaz was too endearingly stubborn to agree to staying behind. She sighed, and then said, “Yes, we do.”

///

Ten minutes later, the couple met back in the console room, ready for action. The Doctor was in her regular getup, and was just sliding her arms through her blue coat when Yaz appeared. The dress and heels were gone, replaced by black combat boots, no-nonsense black jeans and a tucked in white button-up shirt. Her hair was tied back into a singular braid, efficient and ready for running through corridors. 

The Doctor grinned, her eyes shamelessly examining her girlfriend up and down. “Wow, Yaz, I’ve got to say, I find your battle attire more attractive than your dress. And that is saying a lot.”

Yaz laughed softly, looping her fingers through the Doctor’s suspenders. “And your trademark costume never fails to rile me up.”

“Oi, I do wear other clothes, y’know, I don’t have a trademark costume. I can dress pretty, too.”

“Hmm, speaking of, you owe me for making me dress up and down like that.”

The two leaned in for a brief kiss, tender and playful. But, the heady atmosphere faded quickly as they turned to their awaiting mission. Yaz stepped back and asked, “So, what’s the plan?”

“Right!” The Doctor lead Yaz to the console and brought up a map of Planet Jade’s main city.  
Let me guess, thought Yaz, the city is called Jade. For alleged hyper-intelligent scientists, they’re lacking in the creativity department.  
Pointing at a back alley, the Doctor said, “This is where we’re about to land. The prison complex is just around the corner here, this is where you’ll wait. I’m going to go here,” the Doctor pointed across the city to a building unsurprisingly named Jade Headquarters. “sneak in, hack into the main controls to open every prison door and release the prisoners, then go to the top floor and confront the King of the Jade’s and order him to shut down his galactic operation!” The Doctor exhaled.

Yaz paused for a moment. “Hang on a minute, you’re gonna do all that, and my job is to sit at the front door? No chance, mate.” 

“Hey, I’m arguably putting you in more danger than I’ll be in! When I open the prison doors, your job is to lead all the prisoners out of that door and into the TARDIS. It’s pretty bloody risky. Thought you’d be ‘appy about that.”

Yaz rolled her eyes. “Right, c’mon babe, let’s go save a galaxy.” 

///

Down below, on the surface of Jade, silence permeated in the dead empty cities. Skyscrapers which once stood tall among the clouds crumbled and decayed, neglected and void of life. The streets below were similarly afflicted; the city, like its namesake planet and galaxy, was in ruins. That is, except for two buildings. Firstly, the Jade Headquarters still shone brightly against the dim rust-coloured skyscrapers, it’s metal walls shining silver and gold. When the sun rose on the city, it was like a beacon, a solitary signal of life in the darkness. And secondly, the Prison was also intact and evidently full of life. That is, until the screams inside ended with gunshots or blasts. But life still churned on, as new prisoners were taken to their deaths. 

This was the world the TARDIS landed on.

This was the world where everything changed for Yaz and the Doctor.

The TARDIS door creaked open and the couple slowly stepped out into the alley, hand in hand.

“It’s bloody freezing here,” Yaz chattered.

“Jade was once heated by heater circuits underground, bit like a planet-wide hot water bottle. But, now that no one lives here, all the energy is pumped into HQ over there.” Their icy breath intermingled and the Doctor hugged Yaz, rubbing her arms and back, trying to heat her up. Realising that Yaz would be left waiting outside the prison for the next hour, she suggested that they go back inside and get some warmer clothes when– 

“ALERT, UNCATELOGUED PRISONERS DETECTED IN SECTOR A4. PRISONERS WILL SURRENDER TO THE MIGHT OF JADE. REPEAT…”

The Doctor looked down at Yaz, her brow furrowed, worry in her eyes. “Yaz-”

“Save it, Doctor, be quick.” Yaz reached up to the Doctor’s face and kissed her long and hard, urgency being the order of the day. 

“Yaz, be careful, please. Put your safety before theirs, okay?”

“Love you, babe,” Yaz said, and turned and ran towards the prisoners. Towards the oncoming guards and the might of Jade. 

“Love you, too.” The Doctor whispered, and reluctantly, turned the opposite way. 

///

God, it was cold. It was really, really cold. Running for your life when you’re this cold should be against the rules of travelling with the Doctor. Yaz was definitely going to complain to her after all of this was over. She could see it now – her and the Doctor receiving medals in front of crowds of millions for their heroics, and then retiring back to the TARDIS, where she would push the Doctor back against a crystal column and teach her this new rule in a handful of twisted and playful ways. Suddenly, Yaz’s wandering mind was cut short when she turned the corner and faced the grand structure of the Prison. The building was much bigger than she had anticipated, the wall’s stretching beyond the viewpoint of her periphery. And barring access to the building was a 30-foot electric fence that fizzed and hummed with the immensity of electricity. To make things worse, helmeted guards started spilling out of the prison doors towards sector A4, towards Yaz. Quickly, she hid behind a wall, panting heavily, clouds of breath spilling down the street. She was really, really screwed.  
And really, really cold.  
“Shit.”

It didn’t take long for the guards to find her. In fact, before the Doctor even made it to Jade Headquarters, Yaz had been forced to abandon her post. The guards, who were completely masked by their uniforms and helmets, were humanoid in shape. But, when one of them lifted Yaz up by the neck with one hand, their possible humanity was ruled out.

“Let. Me. Go!” Yaz choked, thrashing against the Jade’s grip. 

The guard sniffed. “Human.”

The other tilted it’s head and gruffly said, “Humanoid?”

“Human.”

“Bring it in. Gas it. I’ll inform the Mighty Leader that we have captured a human.”

“Stop… please… I can’t…” 

Yaz passed out in the creature’s grip, her head filled with stars and pictures of the Doctor. 

///


	2. Can't you give me something to make it through the night?

Meanwhile, as Yaz was being carried into the Prison, the Doctor was kicking up a fuss across the city. Sirens blared at the news of a human in the city spread like wildfire, and so guards scoured the city eagerly, excited for the chase. Hearts raising, the Doctor ducked from one street to the next, her head screaming Yazyazyaz! Was she safe? There were guards everywhere now, so quickly, and Yaz was at the epicentre. This spurred her on.   
The quicker she toppled this regime, the quicker Yaz would be safe.  
Why did she compromise Yaz like that? She should have been more authoritative… but she just couldn’t say no to her.

“Ah-ha!” the Doctor whispered, as she ran right towards the entrance of the Jade Headquarters. Looking left and right, sonic in hand, she raced forwards, aimed, and opened the front door.   
Not long now, Yaz.  
The Doctor dived through the entrance.

///

The stars and rainbows were so beautiful. Floating, dazzling, swirling and in the middle of them, the Doctor dancing. Or, the Doctor imitating a person dancing. The most endearing and ridiculous thing Yaz had ever witnessed.

The stars blinked out, the rainbows faded. The Doctor fell away.

Opening her eyes, Yaz winced at the brightness of the walls around her. 

She rubbed her temples, the throbbing in her head and dizziness overcoming her senses. That’s when it all came back to her. The guard choking her and the orange-purple sky dissipating as she slipped into unconsciousness.   
And then-

“Oh no,” she breathed, struggling to her feet. 

She was in a cell, one of the cells, three metal walls, a camera watching in the corner and, to Yaz’s horror, one wall dedicated to holding weapons. Guns, rays, knives, rope, pills, matches and even a bucket of water. Panic rising, she looked around and there, in the four corners of the floor, vents. Just as she clocked them, gas started hissing out. Creeping across the floor, huge clouds of hallucinogenic gas.

“Doctor.” she whispered, then louder, “Doctor? Doctor!” Knowing it to be futile, Yaz ran to the only door and wasn’t surprised that it was locked. “Let me out! Doctor, please!” 

///

“Did you really think you’d succeed?” the Jade sneered.

“Ehh, it was worth a shot I suppose. Thought just coming through the entrance would be the last thing you expected. Y’know, cover of daylight.”

“And threatening us with food?”

The Doctor bit into the custard cream and nodded in approval. “How were I supposed to know you lot had a keen sense of smell?”

The Jade leader, not a King but a less pompous ‘Galactic Ruler’, was the only one who didn’t wear a mask. The Doctor wished it had, because it was seriously ugly. Brown scales and, rather than eyes, it had a bar-shaped flesh, like a blindfold, that apparently saw the entire electromagnetic spectrum.  
The room was filled with Jade’s, guards and perhaps a few scientists. The walls were lined with panels and wires, and behind the Galactic Ruler’s throne was a huge computer labelled ‘Security System’.

Two of the guards grabbed the Doctor’s shoulders and pushed her down to her knees. “Oi, watch the coat fellas! One of a kind, this.”

The Galactic Ruler sniffed. “You are not human. And look, you’ve got two hearts, how fascinating.”

The Doctor felt pretty naked under the Jade’s X-ray vision. “And? No difference to you, is it? You’ll murder any creature that’s not your own,” she spat.

He ignored her, looking up at the guards. “Then why was there talk of a human?”

The Doctor swallowed.

“We caught one outside the Prison, Ruler, we’re gassing it now.” 

“No – leave her alone!” the Doctor cried despite herself. 

“Ah, it’s yours, then. Tell me…” The Ruler sniffed again. “Time Lord, what would you do to free your human?”

“Anything.”

The alien laughed despicably. “Oh, I love it when they grovel. Order the guards to increase the gas dosage to maximum, the sooner the human dies the better. Then perhaps we won’t even need the gas for the Time Lord.”

“Don’t, please, don’t. She’s – take me instead, let her leave, and I’ll leave you be.” The Doctor knew this was pointless, that the Ruler would be loving this even more. She was trying to think of a way out, a way to get back to Yaz before she…   
Think, Doctor, think! Keen sense of smell, full visible spectrum, probably other senses enhanced, how can that be used against them? Yaz, please hold out, Yaz… don’t let me fail you.

Amongst the swirl of memories and thoughts of Yaz, the desperate scheming, and the panic, the Doctor was managing to maintain a conversation with the dictator in front of her.   
“… it was humans that first founded this galaxy… we were an experiment gone wrong, beings that we’re meant to be organic robots, perfect senses and intelligence, but made of flesh and sentient…”  
That was it!   
“… we’ll exterminate them all-”

The Doctor sighed dramatically. “Oh, give it a rest, mate.” The Jade snarled, but let her continue. “For super intelligent creatures, y’don’t see the obvious, do you? You’re not independent creatures, you’re basically the worst of humanity! Y’could have done anything with your independence, but you just became Humans 2.0. Colonialism, killing camps, imperialism, genocide, cowardice and sadism. Where’s your imagination? Your art? Your beauty? You’ve killed it all in this galaxy. And killing Yaz… that’ll be your biggest mistake yet.”

The Ruler scoffed, leaning forwards in its throne. “And why’s that, Time Lord?”

“Because your genocide has got nothing on mine.”

Then the Doctor grabbed her sonic, aiming it at the Security System, and suddenly the room, the city, was drowning in bright red light, screaming sirens, gas clouds and ultraviolet lasers.

///

It was useless. The gas was rising from the floor and Yaz couldn’t see below her waist. Yaz wondered why the gas was so thick, why there was so much. And it was still so bloody cold! If she had a scarf she could cover her face and warm up a bit! But it was useless. Giving up on the door, Yaz ran to the weapons wall and grabbed a ray gun. She aimed it at the lock and fired. It didn’t make a dent.   
A match – set the gas alight? Oh, what was she thinking, she’d fry the air. Even if it worked. What was the point?

Yaz suddenly realised that her mouth tasted metallic.   
And then, images embedded in her mind, drowning out her vision, like a dream. She could see right in front of her, not a cell, but the Doctor. Oh God, she was covered in blood, looking at Yaz from across the battlefield. Her eyes full of shock and longing. She reached a glowing arm out to Yaz, her skin turning orange just like the first time Yaz met her, collapsing to her knees. Then a gunshot fired and the Doctor collapsed.  
No regeneration.  
Dead.

“Doctor…” she called in a daze, and then the image was gone.   
The feeling persisted, though, that hopelessness. Void of love. The feeling of a universe without the Doctor.   
More horrible visions, repressed memories resurfacing, sounds of screaming and the taste of blood. Yaz fell to her knees, dropping the ray gun.

Milliseconds away from inhaling a lethal lungful of gas, the door suddenly crashed open and there was the Doctor.

“YAZ!” she screamed from behind her gas mask. She dived towards her, ripping it off her face and forcing it onto Yaz just as she gasped for breath.

“Doctor…” she said again, the only word on her lips. She couldn’t tell if this was reality or another horrible image as she watched the Doctor from behind the Plexiglas screen, watched her take a lungful of the toxic air. Saw her eyes darken, distant and flooded with terrible hallucinations. The Doctor practically disappeared in the thick gas, but Yaz stumbled up, and grabbed her girlfriend’s arms, pulling her towards the open door.

The sirens screamed.

Yaz screamed.

“C’mon, Doctor! We need to get out of here, NOW!”

Why wasn’t she moving? No, she was, she was moving away from Yaz. Towards the weapons wall. Towards her own death. Yaz could hear her crying, but couldn’t see the tears. Could hear her screaming her name, but the Doctor couldn’t see her. She was lost in the hallucination, lost in the visions.

It took all of Yaz’s deteriorating strength to drag her away from her death, and out of the cell. In a daze, she stumbled through the red-tinged corridors, not running like she’d imagined she would be today. So cold. So scared. Being strong for the Doctor, her Doctor lost in her mind. 

“MAKE IT STOP!” the Doctor cried, strangled and choked by tears.

With everything the Doctor had witnessed and done, what vision could torment her like that? What could push through the Doctor’s defences and thick skin and attack her like that?  
Finally, near blind from tears and gas, Yaz dragged them outside into orange-purple light. The guards were ignoring them, and so were the escaped prisoners. It was a battlefield.   
The noise, the sights, the cold.

“Nearly there, babe. I-I’m here, it’s not real, just follow me, the TARDIS… we’re almost there.”

“JUST KILL ME!”

Then, turning the corner, the TARDIS stood in front of them. What a sight! Nearly there. Carrying the Doctor’s weight on her weakening shoulders now, Yaz pushed forwards and the doors opened without the need of a key. The TARDIS must have known, must have been able to see them.

The couple burst through, and at last, Yaz’s knees buckled and she collapsed to the floor, the Doctor falling besides her. She ripped of the mask and inhaled, properly inhaled, the clean air. The doors shut behind them, and the screams, explosions and sirens were cut off.

They were safe.

But this was just the beginning of Yaz’s torment.

///


	3. If it all falls apart and if this thing goes wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW mentions of suicide

_“Doctor, y’can be open with me, just tell me what’s wrong.”_

_“Yaz… I wish I could, but it’s just too much. I don’t want to burden you with my – my baggage, you just don’t deser–”_

_“What I don’t deserve is you, and it’s an honour to take on your baggage. Don’t laugh, Doctor, it’s true! I’m here for you. We’ve got each other now, and if we need to have a rant then we can, right? So, tell me what’s wrong.”_

_“… I just really need a hug.”_

///

It had been quiet in the console room for a few minutes now, as the Doctor piloted the TARDIS silently. Yaz was still sitting by the door, overwhelmed, observing her girlfriend. She wasn’t looking at Yaz, her attention focused solely on pressing buttons and pulling levers.   
Then, suddenly she stopped. She shut her eyes, her body tense, hands gripping the console until her knuckles turned white.

“What’s wrong?” Yaz asked hesitantly, standing up at last. She never took her eyes off the Doctor. “Babe?”

Her eyes shot open, but she still didn’t acknowledge Yaz’s existence.

“What’s wrong, Doctor? Tell me.”

Silence.

“Y’know, I think we should go to the Medical room, we shouldn’t have breathed in that gas and I think–”

“I’m taking you home.”

Yaz’s words crumbled to nothing. Her heart lurched as the meaning of the Doctor’s words hit her. Normally when she was taken home, it was just for a few days, but the way those words were spat out, every syllable full of malice and defeat, she just knew.  
The Doctor was _taking her home_. Never coming back. The momentary shock was overtaken by fury. “What do you mean? We need to go to Medical, you need to go, Doctor. That gas…”

“My word is final, Yaz.” She pulled a lever up and the TARDIS stopped, and Yaz guessed they were back in Sheffield. The Doctor turned to Yaz, and crossed her arms, awaiting an argument. 

Rather than yelling at the Doctor to see sense, Yaz tried a different approach. “I was so scared, Doctor, it was so real. I saw,” she swallowed. “… I saw awful things and I just felt so hopeless. Why would the Jade design something so terrible?”

“It’s not important,” the Doctor snapped. Then, her shoulders sagged. “It just doesn’t matter.”

“Doctor… you inhaled a lot of that gas. You were hysterical, you were screaming. Are y'alright?”

She shook her head. “I saw it all, Yaz. My entire past, every single face, every single death and heartbreak. And I realised, truly realised, what I am. I’m not a hero, I’m not a good person, all I bring is hurt and destruction.”

“That’s not true, babe. Can’t you see the gas is making you–”

“Don’t call me babe, Yaz. I should never have let you in. God what was I _thinking_?”

Yaz stopped tip-toeing around her anger and yelled, “Listen to me, Doctor, would you just listen to me!? You’ve been _drugged_ for Christ’s sake, it’s made you feel everything your feeling right now! We need to go to Medical, right now, and that’s final.”

And then, to Yaz’s surprise, the Doctor sneered at her. Her eyes, normally so full of kindness and hope, were swapped for one’s of loathing. “You don’t tell me what to do, okay? I tell you what to do, because that’s who I am. I’m a Lord of Time, I’m more than a human, more than a Jade. More than you. And that’s why I’m taking you home.”

“What, because you think you deserve better?” Yaz scoffed.

“No. No, you’re better than me. I’m the Time Lord Victorious, I’m the Destroyer of Worlds, I’m every title I’ve ever been given… I’m taking you home because I’m going to end my own life.”

Yaz paused again, speechless. She had to get through to the Doctor, had to get her to open up. Normally, this was quite easy. Puppy dog eyes, a hand on the arm, and the Doctor would pour all her trust into Yaz, every insecurity and hurt she felt filling Yaz up until they both shared the burden. Because the burden didn’t hurt half as much when the glass was half empty.   
Now, Yaz realised, the Doctor was so lost in her head, the visions so intense, that she didn’t stand a chance of helping her out. 

“I didn’t tell you this Yaz,” the Doctor continued when Yaz didn’t answer. “but before I met you and Graham and Ryan, I didn’t want to live another life. I was gonna end it all, refuse to regenerate. To just die. But I didn’t.”

“Why not?” Yaz whispered, hope ebbing.  
“I was convinced not to. I pushed down the feeling, and then when I was reborn, when I met you, I got distracted. I made the same mistakes. I let you in, I let myself give in and love you back. I repeatedly put you all in danger. Clung on to you ‘cos I was lonely and I needed you. It were selfish, and it ends today.” Tears stung Yaz’s eyes, and she blinked them away. “Y’see? I’ve done this to you.”

“Yeah, you have done this to me, ‘cos you’re being a massive idiot! You _know_ it’s that gas that’s done this to you – why can’t you just go to Medical? Just sleep on it, can’t you do that for me?”

The Doctor sighed in frustration. “I know it’s the gas that showed me those things! It doesn’t make it any less real. It’s the reality shock I needed, Yaz. I was shown the past, and hallucinations of the future. Of you dying over and over again, and I refuse to let it happen. So go home, Yaz.”

She ushered at the door, where Sheffield was waiting outside. Out there, Ryan and Graham waited, Yaz’s family waited. But she wasn’t going to them yet.   
“Make me.”

Yaz expected her to smirk, to shake her head, to walk away.   
But the Doctor the last thing she expected.  
She lunged forwards, grabbing Yaz by the arms and pushed her back back back towards the door.

“Doct – what are you doing? Stop it!” The Doctor didn’t give in and, heart staggering, Yaz realised she’d have to use force. Initiating her police training, she easily shrugged out of the Doctor’s grip. Then, she swung her leg round, kicking the back of her knees, slamming her elbow into her shoulders to push her to the floor.

It didn’t work.

Grunting, the Doctor turned around and pulled Yaz towards her by the waist, lifting her into the air, and over her shoulder. Yaz was surprised by her strength for only a moment, and then she yelled, “Doctor, let me go! Don’t do this to yourself, please!” She kicked her legs, hit her back, wriggled and screamed but the Doctor’s tight grip never faltered. It’s like she wasn’t there anymore. How could she do this to them? 

Ignoring her screams and protests, the Doctor made it to the door, and pulled it open. By now, Yaz couldn’t stop the tormented tears from streaking down her cheeks as she realised that the Doctor, the love of her life, her universe, was going to succeed. She was going to abandon her, shrug her off, and end her own life.  
The Doctor shifted and pushed Yaz off her. She stumbled back, falling away from the TARDIS and from the Doctor. The cold Sheffield air enclosed her, chilling her to the bone.

“Doctor, stop!” she cried, lunging forwards.

Yaz knew that final instant of the Doctor, that split-second view of her standing in the TARDIS doorway, would char her memory for as long as she lived. Eyes black, emotion subdued to make this sacrifice easier for herself. Standing in the TARDIS doorway, jaw set, pausing for just an instant of a second.

And then the door closed with a gentle click.

“No…” Yaz breathed, despairingly. “Don’t you bloody dare!” She sprung forward, reaching for the door handle, when she heard that familiar thud and gentle wheeze as the TARDIS dematerialised. A strangled cry tore from her throat – her fingers passed through, unable to grasp the handle or bang on the door.  
The wind swept up around her, the leaves swirled around her feet, and the blue box was gone. Lost forever.

The Doctor was gone.

///


End file.
